Share in September

September is Suicide Prevention Month

In the coming days, I’m going to share my struggle with suicidal ideation and near-attempts.

Please, this month, and any month for that matter, share your story. It will help you, and it will help others.

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It is imperative we remember we are not alone. ✌

WAIT TO HEAR HOPE TO HELP

Wait to Hear ~ 6.24.18

One thing I’m discovering with having joined an online support group and writing this blog is the power of friendship and knowing you’re not alone. Unfortunately, with these mental illness issues, we lose every day people and friends, not just celebrities that are featured in the news.

I lost a dear friend a year or so back. One friend has been considering suicide, and another has just cut off online presence, which is strange for her and unnerving based on the last conversations we’ve had.

I wait to hear and hope to help.

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Have any of you been through this, and how were you able to offer support?

Treat yourselves well, guys.💖💛

(photo credit: R.I.T)

Kate and Anthony

KATE & ANTHONY ~ 6.8.18

 

Hard, hard week. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.

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According to cdc.gov, on average there are 123 suicides per day.

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So, Kate and Anthony were 2 of the 861 that died at their own hand this week. Heartbreaking.

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Suicide and Mental Health issues do not discriminate among race, gender, age, socioeconomic status, perceived celebrity, and more. It can and DOES truly strike anyone.

Living with Bipolar, and having stared down the barrel of suicide’s gun many times myself, this scares me.

How many times do those who successfully commit suicide think about doing it before hand, and even try and are not successful? If I’m being absolutely honest, which I’m trying to do because otherwise, what is the point of this blog, suicide scares me. So many days, people successfully talk themselves out of taking their lives, but all too often, a day comes when they fail, and are ultimately successful in taking their lives. I’m scared that one day I too will fail. Hopefully, this healthy fear will keep me here until The Lord calls me home. I try for myself and for my family.

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Any of you struggling right now, please contact someone for help – suicide hotline, website, text, therapist, support group, doctor, friend or family. God bless. Let’s help keep each other safe, friends.

Liking the Bad Guy More

*SPOILER ALERT: I’m human. I occasionally curse, and there’s a naughty word in here.*

So, is anyone like me and relate to the bad guy/gal in books and films? Heck, even some historical events? I do. Quite often, actually. I was thinking about it today and wondering why. 

I think it’s because the bad guy is flawed. Most of the time people aren’t all bad. They have made bad choices for a number of possible reasons and landed where they did before realizing they need to turn back, and I empathize with that, because being even more honest, I’m often a fuck-up.

Feeling like I was robbed of something – usually love. Feeling unappreciated. Feeling under valued. Feeling like I don’t fit in with the good guy group, because after all, they look happy and all pulled together, and their FaceBook pages tell me all about their glorious lives, and here I am, not any of those things. 

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So, sometimes I pull for the bad guy to get away, and I can with no trouble because, after all, I’m watching movies and reading, of course. Or root for the female villain to win and humbly accept her apologies and be crowned upon her throne.

Honestly, I don’t know. I’m babbling. But, I pull for Loki (Thor), Erik/Magneto (X-Men), Slade (vigilante from Netflix original The Five), Francine Hughes (Farrah Fawcett in The Burning Bed, abused woman escaping her husband). Two are misunderstood and do some misunderstanding of their own. One, a vigilante.

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The last trying to save the life of herself and kids. 

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Eh. Well, again, as I said, please pardon the babbling. My life is very nice now, but for decades, things were not right. That brain wiring and the automatic reactions and feelings don’t just disappear. As I said, just random stuff bouncing around in this mind of mine. Be well. ✌

Give and Take Should Actually Include the Give

I am so alone, so without hope, so far down, so gone. And no one knows because they don’t care. I can sugar coat it and say folks are busy, but truth is, when something is important to you, you make the time. I’m always there. Always trying. Always keeping in touch.

I’m trying so hard for results that I fear I will not see.

How long must a person suffer before they are allowed to say, “Hey, I gave it my absolute best, and now, I let it go.”

Am I destined to reach the point of destruction? My own personal, agonizing ground zero?

What is it I have done that others have not also done in spades? Why do I long for absolution and forgiveness when it seems fairly obvious no one would hurt if I were to cease all of my efforts? Like all of the slack, understanding and forgiveness I extend?

It is difficult to tell exactly how much a depressive state in a Bipolar cycle influences how I feel about how the other issues are going in my life. Perhaps it is something different, though.

Perhaps, at least sometimes, it is the exact opposite. Perhaps, the way I’m treated (or not treated) brings about the depressive state and continues to feed it as if it were trying to satiate the “black dog,” as depression is so often termed.

I really am tired. Not a good situation. I am not in a safe place. I think God, myself and this tablet and keyboard are the only ones who know that, but not for lack of trying to share on my part.

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Today, if I had not initiated conversations, however brief they were, I only would’ve chatted with my son for a few minutes because he sought me out.

Maybe I should just reciprocate and match what I’m shown…what I’m given. Maybe I should just be done and fade to black.

Maybe it’s too late.