12.14.18 blog entry

Watching an HBO documentary called Out of Mind, Out of Sight. It is about mentally ill patients who have committed some sort of crime and are now in Forensic Psychiatric Hospitals. (These were once called Asylums for the Criminally Insane.) They interview patients and staff, get into stories of how these folks ended up where they are, and how some patients have even gone missing or been killed in these type settings. It’s a must watch because mental illness and the justice system are a community issue, not just that family’s down the Street problem.


And for myself, mentally ill as I am, it scares me that I could end up in such a place. Does that ever scare y’all?

Every Day

Every. Single. Day. ~ (Trigger Warning)

So, here’s one.

When I wake in the morning, our dog has to go out, not only to do his business, but also to play and run. It makes me smile. He’s fun, and I also love watching the birds and hearing their songs. Fresh air. Watering the lawn. Stuff like that. Then, I also love watching a cooking show, at least one each day, sometimes more. Fascinates me, all they can come up with and demonstrate. I will listen to music or read a book, and I’ll do some adult coloring. Fun stuff. And I feel good in those moments. I truly do. I do stretches and light exercise. I take my meds for Bipolar (and other mental health acronyms) as well as Fibromyalgia and other auto-immune mess. Meds AND vitamins and supplements.

And just as easily as all of that delight comes each day, so does the internal voice in the quieter moments…the one that says, “just swallow all the pills and you’ll be done with it.”


And honest to God, if it wasn’t for my family and a few friends who would be upset, I’d chug them now instead of writing this.

I think there is a common misconception that a person is suicidal and goes to the nut-hut (as I jokingly, lovingly call it – hey, I’ve been three times, I’ll call it what I want)…where was I? Oh yeah. I think folks think a person gets help and is no longer suicidal, and I know that’s how it is for some. That’s a good deal. I also know there are many like me who are chronically suicidal, even if unseen on the surface.

Understand this, there is a real reason to be suicidal, it just doesn’t always make itself known to those of you without mental health issues because it’s so well hidden. I have years of practice hiding that. If you could see inside of me – my soul, my brain, you’d be horrified. It is quite possible to have a good day and be suicidal.

So, what is my point? Not a lot, really. Just saying that, at least for me, it’s always there. Chug the pills. Find the gun. Car on, garage door shut. Blah, blah. Daily, I tell the instinct, the inner voice, no. But, I often wonder if one day that voice will win.



Goodbye Friend xo

I need to say something more than what I’ve said here, or express it more eloquently, but I just can’t right now.

I lost a friend of 10 years.

I met her through an online support group, as she and I both have Bipolar Disorder. Today, I’ve just found out she died while sleeping on August 15, 2017. There was no immediate, obvious answer why, so more testing is being done to figure out the cause of death.

She had attempted suicide at least three times prior that I know of, and apparently was drinking some again recently, constantly struggling with sobriety. That, mixed with her medication, and maybe she accidentally took a bad combo. She also seemed to be physically ill quite a lot, often times doctors couldn’t give reasons why. She and I bonded over that pain as well.

My hope and prayer is she fell asleep peacefully and went on to life after hers here on earth and is no longer hurting. You can call it struggle, or something in need of management, several terms and descriptions, but bottom line, she was hurting.

That’s the only good thing…she is not hurting now.

But I’m disappointed in myself because I had to detach myself from my friend in this past couple of years because we mirrored each other so much, and I felt we often brought each other down even further than we had been feeling when we’d first begun a chat. And I was worried she would eventually succeed with suicidal attempts and felt I couldn’t handle it. That sounds so selfish. I made it a point to speak and catch up every few months, and send cards on holidays, etc. But I feel I let her down.

I’m just shattered. Actually, not the final result of being shattered, but the cracking, splintering, ripping parts that combine as a whole to register you down and out…shattered.

She was caring, loving, generous, and loved her cat Millie. She encouraged many people on the online support group, even when she felt low. And she could be wickedly funny. I’m going to post a photo of Millie. I don’t want to post a photo of my friend without family consent. I never even met my friend in person, as she lives on the other side of the world.


Reach out, folks. Either ask, “Do you need help? How can I help you?” Or reach out and say, “Please, I need help.”

Hug and love the people in your lives, guys.

My long-time friend, R, I pray you are dancing in delight, and am glad you’re relieved of the burden.


Much love, strength and “peach.” (Inside joke.) But I certainly wish you peace along with the “peach.” I will smile when thinking of you. 💙💙💙