Struggling & haven’t found anything to make it better or even distract from it. Sorry, that’s all I’ve got today.
Reasons I’m Glad I Did Not Commit Suicide.
– Love for my family.
– Specifically speaking of my son, because if there is suicide in your family, you’re more likely to take your own life. Add to that, he too has Bipolar Disorder, that would set up disaster for him.
– Simple things, though they may sound silly or trivial, but honestly – birds, flowers, rivers & oceans & swimming, pizza 🍕, music, arts and crafts, and every once in awhile, writing something halfway decent.
– Happy to help just one person out there know they are not alone in having Bipolar, or any Mental Illness, or Chronic Illness, for that matter.
Reason I’m Afraid I Will Eventually Commit Suicide.
– Because I have Bipolar Disorder 1 with Psychosis & I Am Tired.
Please feel free to post here with feelings, thoughts, experiences…..
Know that you are not alone. WE ARE NOT ALONE, and though there is still a long way to go, we are gaining ground and speaking out.
Let’s start yelling! 🗣
Keep fighting! 👊
Take care of yourselves and each other & treat yourself gently. Rock on, people. ✌💛
Two Sons ~ 9.10.18 ~ blog entry
I have two sons.
One who loves me, treats me adoringly, helps me in any way he can, is creative, helps his friends, extends kindness to *misfits* at school, and is all around loveable.
I have another son who has black eyes, misreads and misunderstands things you say, becomes loud, belligerent and cruel, and is not only emotionally abusive, but physically abusive as well.
Unfortunately, both of my sons live in ONE human body. He has Bipolar, and he faces these awful hardships brought with it.
Even sadder, he inherited this from me.
Between our two human bodies, reside four people. I’m glad that we are strong enough to know that when it all settles, we love each other very much and are trying our best.
But my gosh, what a heartbreaking challenge. Within two days, each of us have expressed wanting to be done with Bipolar, done with this world. (I didn’t say that in front of him, of course.)
However, imagine your child coming to you and saying that he feels so awful and hopeless, that mom better take his medication into her room for the night because he is considering swallowing all of them.
So, tomorrow we set out for more help. On this day in particular, World Suicide Prevention Day, I found it important to share our story.
Love yourselves and each other. Take care of yourselves and each other. 🎗🙏💛✌
Still struggling… with moments of being okay. I’m aiming for contentment. Almost there. Just flying high and plunging way too low, way too quick, back to back. Tired… and the physical pain – forget about it.
(Photo credit nerdist.com)
Feeling defeated at times. Still know I’ll be okay. Thank God I’ve not lost the plot 100% and that I know that deep inside somewhere.
How are you, friends? Take care of yourselves and each other. Let us know here if you need help. 💛🙏✌
So, if I was advising any other friend/person dealing with Bipolar Disorder (and any mental health issues) who was suffering and feeling alone, I would advise them to seek out their support system.
What is My Support System: (most I’ve read are similar & I’ve worked this out with a few medical professionals)
- Use coping techniques that I know have worked uniquely for me in the past. (arts and crafts, music, reading, exercise, writing, gardening)
- Have fun with a friend. Just get out for a quick lunch and fun chat for 1/2 – 1 hour.
- Talk with friends I’ve met who, like me, manage mental health illnesses and issues. (They have a specific set of experiences that can help me when I can’t see clearly.)
- Talk with my therapist. (Therapist knows my strengths and weaknesses and how to kick me in the butt, lovingly of course.)
- Get an appointment to see my psychiatrist sooner than I already have scheduled, and discuss possible medication issues. (This is key. As many medical professionals that can be involved to help me walk through these times, the better. Medication might be doing me harm, or a med that is working might offer even more benefit if the dosage is increased.)
- When all else fails, in this day and time of technology and social media — I just start yelling out wherever and whenever I can that I need help!
With all of that being said, I’ve been dipping really low lately. Dangerously low at some points due to physical illness and pain, and there have been family issues arise that I will address at the appropriate time. Steps 1-6, that I listed up there, for and about me, seem quite reasonable and sound.
So, why did I struggle to reach out to my therapist a couple of weeks back?
Because it still makes me angry that I get so low I have to seek out the help.
~ Me Today ~
I feel weak.
And if I feel weak, even after having dealt with this (including education) for decades, then someone new to this madness could most definitely be terrified to seek help, and have no idea where to begin as far as how to cope.
So, my bottom line. No matter where you are in this process, seek help. Yell it out! Type it out! Go to a doctor, clinic or psychiatrist. See a therapist or try a support group. Or hey, all of the above!
None of us start out this life with the idea suicide will be our end. That suicide could take on the role of friend.
Similarly, I didn’t start out today with suicidal ideation. Thinking about it, feeling tired, wishing to be problem free, wondering how few people would be at my memorial, noticing when I’m sad that I look like my dad, then I really begin to miss Dad.
I just don’t want to be here. Earlier today, I had some good thoughts going on, good plans. Something changed. Like the flipping of a light switch.
So, I’m doing some of the stuff I’m supposed to do. We practically have a checklist if we’ve been to any type of long term mental health care facility/help. We, being Bipolar.
Listening to music (changed my activity) ✔
Wishing friends well & a Happy Easter ✔
Cuddled with the cat ✔
Light exercises/stretches ✔
Checked to be sure I took my meds ✔
I don’t have many words to express what’s going on, but this blog is supposed to describe and show all sides of this blasted curse of a disease ~ Bipolar. I’m going to attach some images with info, as well as three photos depicting how I’ve changed in a matter of hours. One shows a smile. The other two show you where I am currently. I’ve got to document this…cursed thing.