Three Identical Strangers

I’ve just watched a documentary called Three Identical Strangers, about triplets separated at birth who found each other at the age of 19 years old.

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I had no idea where the documentary was going, but it delved into nature vs nurture, and twins and triplets whose biological parents had some mental health issues, and their children studied years after. I should mention the kids were placed in completely different households – blue collar, middle income, affluent –  not even knowing they had identical siblings, all within a hundred mile radius. A set of female twins were in the documentary a bit as well.

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Bipolar and Schizophrenia were discussed (surprise), as well as suicide, all supposedly in the name of discovering, what is truly hereditary, what do we decide for ourselves, and – what I wonder and read about quite a bit – nature vs nurture.

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You might want to check it out, but please know it’s emotional.

Share in September

September is Suicide Prevention Month

In the coming days, I’m going to share my struggle with suicidal ideation and near-attempts.

Please, this month, and any month for that matter, share your story. It will help you, and it will help others.

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It is imperative we remember we are not alone. ✌

Not Today

NOT TODAY ~ 8.9.18

So, I have read that some people with Bipolar, Depression and other mental health issues are in practice of applying makeup, making sure hair looks nice, using lovely scents of perfume and fragrant lotions (I don’t know where guys fit into this) often times feel better throughout the day and get more done. I’ve been trying it.

Some days it works.

Not today.

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I’m in a lot of physical pain, and quite frankly, it pisses me off!

Second thing, Margot Kidder committed suicide. Another person with Bipolar has committed suicide. Damn It!

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I’ll keep trying and let you know long term. Take care of yourselves and others. 💛🙏✌

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Kate and Anthony

KATE & ANTHONY ~ 6.8.18

 

Hard, hard week. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.

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According to cdc.gov, on average there are 123 suicides per day.

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So, Kate and Anthony were 2 of the 861 that died at their own hand this week. Heartbreaking.

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Suicide and Mental Health issues do not discriminate among race, gender, age, socioeconomic status, perceived celebrity, and more. It can and DOES truly strike anyone.

Living with Bipolar, and having stared down the barrel of suicide’s gun many times myself, this scares me.

How many times do those who successfully commit suicide think about doing it before hand, and even try and are not successful? If I’m being absolutely honest, which I’m trying to do because otherwise, what is the point of this blog, suicide scares me. So many days, people successfully talk themselves out of taking their lives, but all too often, a day comes when they fail, and are ultimately successful in taking their lives. I’m scared that one day I too will fail. Hopefully, this healthy fear will keep me here until The Lord calls me home. I try for myself and for my family.

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Any of you struggling right now, please contact someone for help – suicide hotline, website, text, therapist, support group, doctor, friend or family. God bless. Let’s help keep each other safe, friends.

Every Day

Every. Single. Day. ~ (Trigger Warning)

So, here’s one.

When I wake in the morning, our dog has to go out, not only to do his business, but also to play and run. It makes me smile. He’s fun, and I also love watching the birds and hearing their songs. Fresh air. Watering the lawn. Stuff like that. Then, I also love watching a cooking show, at least one each day, sometimes more. Fascinates me, all they can come up with and demonstrate. I will listen to music or read a book, and I’ll do some adult coloring. Fun stuff. And I feel good in those moments. I truly do. I do stretches and light exercise. I take my meds for Bipolar (and other mental health acronyms) as well as Fibromyalgia and other auto-immune mess. Meds AND vitamins and supplements.

And just as easily as all of that delight comes each day, so does the internal voice in the quieter moments…the one that says, “just swallow all the pills and you’ll be done with it.”

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And honest to God, if it wasn’t for my family and a few friends who would be upset, I’d chug them now instead of writing this.

I think there is a common misconception that a person is suicidal and goes to the nut-hut (as I jokingly, lovingly call it – hey, I’ve been three times, I’ll call it what I want)…where was I? Oh yeah. I think folks think a person gets help and is no longer suicidal, and I know that’s how it is for some. That’s a good deal. I also know there are many like me who are chronically suicidal, even if unseen on the surface.

Understand this, there is a real reason to be suicidal, it just doesn’t always make itself known to those of you without mental health issues because it’s so well hidden. I have years of practice hiding that. If you could see inside of me – my soul, my brain, you’d be horrified. It is quite possible to have a good day and be suicidal.

So, what is my point? Not a lot, really. Just saying that, at least for me, it’s always there. Chug the pills. Find the gun. Car on, garage door shut. Blah, blah. Daily, I tell the instinct, the inner voice, no. But, I often wonder if one day that voice will win.

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