This is what matters. This is what makes me laugh, feel warm, comforts me, supports me, gives me a purpose, and continues to teach and remind me of God’s love.
Working It OUT, outside. I’m feeling low, and the yard needs watering. Out, I went. Felt good seeing that the cardinal families have returned. Tons of birds out. Spread birdseed. They bathed in the sprinklers. I watered the sage and shrubs. Decided what plants are going into the walkway area.
Being outside, working with my hands, smelling the earth, feeling grass blades…it’s all so good for the blues I suffer with Bipolar Disorder. Not all the time, but hey, today I take the win!!
And the yard and birds benefit, too.
So, my friend is moving back to Texas. She will still live five or six hours from where I’m living, but I’ll still be able to see her more often. This is wonderful, because this person is family. She helped me through so many good times and bad. She was a friend when I hardly had any, due to my family situation at home. She knew that my step-father was, at best, rude and crude, and at worst, violent. Yet she still came to my home. Years later she would help me move my belongings cross-country because my hideous ex-husband threw all of my things out on the lawn and had moved on with another woman. I can tell you for certain I would NOT have survived that incident without her. There are many memories and lessons learned and even a few tough times she and I had to work our way through so as to keep our friendship. I’m so lucky she’s been in my life whatsoever, and I hope I’ve helped her just as much.
This caused me to think about several things, but mostly that I don’t have many relationships of any sort in my life right now, and that’s mostly because I’m not putting myself out there. I’m not trying.
The point of this is to say, I’m so happy she’ll be back soon. It got me to thinking about things that make Bipolar bearable. Straight away, these are the things that first come to mind. Things that can lead me, inspire me, help me remember…whatever I need to start moving. An emotional move that needs to take place. Emotional efforts. Emotional chances. Sometimes, I believe I fall into not taking on these emotional issues because I want to remain steady and not rock the boat. Not feel any new pain, any new hurts. But the not putting myself out there, the lack of trying, is actually helping the Bipolar defeat me, and I will not accept that.
So what helps me? What drives me? What is realistic? What is not? Can I set up proper time management. Do I have a Plan B. I was taught that by a therapist over and over. Always have a Plan B. (Sometimes, I have a C.)
What is important and healthy for me?
God, good friends, family, writing, listening to music, dancing around for a few minutes in a locked room with only the cat to watch me and think of me as foolish, previously mentioned cat, art, books, learning, nature, people to discuss books with and attending Bible studies. How can I incorporate some of this into my life, because I’ve figured out that without planning or meaning to, I’ve become mostly isolated. Thus, it’s time to go to work.
These are things I have planned. If I don’t manage all of them, I’m not going to call it failing. Rather, if I accomplish some of this, I’ll put a huge check mark in the win column. Joining a book club, finding a church that has an evening service (because I sleep so little it’s hard for me to make morning church services) volunteering for CASA and going back to school with hybrid/online classes. I’ve got to be around people, and I must use my mind.
Additionally, I must feel emotions. Feelings that don’t come just because of how my brain chemistry works that day, but out-in-the-world, real-life feelings. Even if there are a few bad feelings with the good. I’ve got to live a life. I must learn to navigate and build friendships, and fall on my face, and attend class on a day when I feel like hell.
I’ve got to live a life. Otherwise, even if I feel somewhat stable, it’s a stability I feel while shut away from the world. No. Just no.
What gets you going? Is there something you need to do? Are you living a full life, according to your terms? Are you struggling with any of this? Found things that help? Advice or feedback?
Would ALWAYS love to hear from you guys.
Great reminder of three breathing and calming methods, which quite frankly, I had forgotten. Picked this up on Twitter, Mind Power @ForUrHealth2016
http://wellnesscom.info/3-quick-mindfulness-practices-overcome-worry-anxiety-panic/
His name is Richard Parker, like the tiger from Life of Pi.
Dear BP,
You keep me up all night, sometimes days. This is one of your most effective ways of hurting me, causing despair and feelings of loneliness. Instead of sitting here, discouraged with a headache, I beat you. I studied Psalm 139.
So, better and more accurately worded, God helped me whoop your insomnia curse. One hour at a time, if I must. God is with me.
Colouring while cuddling with my cat, Richard Parker. You read this blog often, you’ll learn quickly how much it means to me that I’m his human. He helps me when I’m down or anxious. He is so loving. Unconditional love. xo
