11.15.18 blog entry Halsey & Sebastian Yatra at 2018 Latin Grammys. Gorgeous music comforts my Bipolar soul.
TO LOCK OR UNLOCK ~ 6.26.18
Many of us erect these walls to protect ourselves, whether consciously or subconsciously. Our brains are amazing in their ability to block memories. Must we always go charging to tear down those walls, or find the keys that will unlock what’s hidden in our minds? Sometimes, shouldn’t things just stay buried in the past?
LETTERS TO GHOSTS ~ 6.24.18
So, I’ve resumed therapy and so far, I like the counselor. However, with my dad having passed away in ’92, digging into some stuff I’ve discovered this past year is proving draining and is most certainly affecting me. I feel poorly. Emotionally, I mean.
(Awaiting therapy appointment)
Not even poorly, really. More like sad… distracted… frustrated… apathetic at times.
Physically, I’m still feeling some better overall, and that’s huge. I can do so much more – in helping run the household, as well as having fun evenings out.
Received a check from Social Security for back pay for student benefits, and the approval and timing is a blessing. God always comes through for me. For my family.
Anyway, next assignment, write a letter to Dad.
Have any of you written to ghosts of the past?
TUCKED AWAY ~ 5.18.18
Don’t most relationships (of any kind) have their ups and downs? Moments we want to hold onto; moments we would prefer to forget?
Sometimes, in writing these blog entries and describing things from a certain point of view, or when I’m in the midst of an episode, it can appear confusing as to how I feel/felt about my loved ones. (Believe me, it’s worse inside my head.) Do you really even have to be Bipolar to understand to some degree what I’m saying? I think so, if people are honest.
Last night’s entry mentioned difficulties with my mom and dad. My mom admits to compartmentalizing periods of her life that caused her pain. They’re tucked away so she doesn’t feel those emotions. Here’s the thing, I was around during those times, so I’m kinda put away on difficult to reach, dusty shelves, as well. It has made for a challenging relationship with her, and I do not agree with her keeping me in the house that she did with my step-father. She knows this. I’m not telling you a secret. But today I wanted to take a minute to say that she has helped me in my life and loved me in the way that she uniquely loves. She’s helped me through back surgeries and a horrible first failure of a marriage. She helped me raise my son when his father left and I was working 60 hour weeks. And we continue to get to know one another in efforts to become closer. We can laugh together, too.
Now my dad. That’s a mess. I can’t describe that right now. Not well, anyway. Problem is, I thought he was one thing, and I learned some disturbing things last year that I still don’t know how to process. Until last year, even though he died when I was 15, I felt he was at the core of molding who I have become. Maybe he still is, but with the things I discovered, I don’t know what that says about me. I’m not trying to be ambiguous here. I’m actually going to begin counseling next week to try to sort some of this because it has really screwed with my head. As I do, I’ll share more. For now, I’ll say that I loved playing catch and football with him, and he taught me to play Spades and kick butt at it.
I’m thankful I have my husband and son. I’ll share more about this journey as it unfolds. Thanks to you all, as always. xo
Unfortunate Rage, excellent article.
Unfortunately true of many with Bipolar, including myself. Though I do not remember such events (think screaming and throwing a fit on the front lawn where neighbors could see, or destroying a beautiful vase given to us as a wedding gift), my husband encountered them frequently and acutely for six months to a year. Finally, I was correctly diagnosed and began helpful therapy and medication.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and there has been a bit of a med tweak. We’ll see if it helps with what I’m calling a bit of a cognitive fog. One thing I really appreciate about this doctor is how he listens and how he doesn’t want to pump me full of meds, doesn’t think that just meds alone are the answer, and is willing and actually aiming to have as little medication use as possible.
I also ordered my favorite essential oils, both calming and energizing, and ordered some cream that helps with nerve pain, fibromyalgia, arthritis, and the like. That could really impact my life, knocking pain levels down from 8 to 6 or 5, even.
Payday is this upcoming Friday, as is Thor: Ragnarok! So thrilled. IMAX 2D with recliners for seats, and free posters, tickets bought, baby! Have heard great things about this one, and I just love Loki. (Wish Magneto would make a guest appearance, but hey, can’t win them all! Loki is definitely a win!!)
I got to see my dear friend this past weekend and play with her young daughter and her dolls and all things sparkly. I’ll see her again in a few weeks to attend a function another friend is throwing. That will be nice, too, introducing everyone to each other.
Payday, I’ll also be able to join the gym that will offer the warm pool, arthritic classes, nutritionist and physical therapy massages.
Trying to be good, as they say, do what can help me, as well as my family.
Now, this past weekend I was supposed to attend my sister’s baby shower. There’s a lot of history there. Technically, she’s my half-sister, but she and I have hardly ever had much to do with one another, and that’s due to a whole slew of reasons, some understandable and some not. Some were my wrong-doings, some hers/theirs. Anyway, we had been reconnecting and doing well, and then she and my step-family (sister, mother, etc) suffered a horrific loss of a family member, all too young and early and unnecessary. I cannot fathom their pain. I pray for them nightly. However, at that point, even though I tried, she and I fell out of touch. Well, really and truly, she just flat would not reply to me. About anything. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Questions. Attempts to check in to see how she/they were doing. Silly things. Nothing warranted a response, which I guess is indeed truly a response, even if it makes me sad.
My Dad. Sometimes, I wish he were alive just so I could slap the shit out of him. Just messes around with the lives of those around him, and up and dies and totally bails, leaving us to wade through unimaginable amounts of crap trying to make sense of it all and come out smelling somewhat okay, even if it’s not exactly the scent of roses. Keep in mind, I know what I just typed is not rational. Emotional as hell, though. It’s how I feel. Often. I have hope I will have relationships with these ladies and their families in the future, but there is that saying about the best indicator of the future being past behavior and actions…or something close to that. I butchered it, but it fits this situation, this family, if anyone besides me even wants to call it that, or hope for that anymore.
You get the point.
Anyway, I’m trying, which is the best I can do some days. I’m gonna have a sandwich and some Halloween candy and maybe color or watch some tv. And I mean, for Heaven’s sake, people were killed in a terrorist attack today in New York when I was there just a few weeks ago. Things could always be worse. So much worse. And there are always reasons for me to be happy and beyond thankful, which I am, but I think I’m allowed confusion and anger sometimes, too. Anyway, this entry has had no real rhyme or reason. Simply a person with Bipolar logging their last day or two, as I set out to do with this blog.
*SPOILER ALERT: I’m human. I occasionally curse, and there’s a naughty word in here.*
So, is anyone like me and relate to the bad guy/gal in books and films? Heck, even some historical events? I do. Quite often, actually. I was thinking about it today and wondering why.
I think it’s because the bad guy is flawed. Most of the time people aren’t all bad. They have made bad choices for a number of possible reasons and landed where they did before realizing they need to turn back, and I empathize with that, because being even more honest, I’m often a fuck-up.
Feeling like I was robbed of something – usually love. Feeling unappreciated. Feeling under valued. Feeling like I don’t fit in with the good guy group, because after all, they look happy and all pulled together, and their FaceBook pages tell me all about their glorious lives, and here I am, not any of those things.
So, sometimes I pull for the bad guy to get away, and I can with no trouble because, after all, I’m watching movies and reading, of course. Or root for the female villain to win and humbly accept her apologies and be crowned upon her throne.
Honestly, I don’t know. I’m babbling. But, I pull for Loki (Thor), Erik/Magneto (X-Men), Slade (vigilante from Netflix original The Five), Francine Hughes (Farrah Fawcett in The Burning Bed, abused woman escaping her husband). Two are misunderstood and do some misunderstanding of their own. One, a vigilante.
The last trying to save the life of herself and kids.
Eh. Well, again, as I said, please pardon the babbling. My life is very nice now, but for decades, things were not right. That brain wiring and the automatic reactions and feelings don’t just disappear. As I said, just random stuff bouncing around in this mind of mine. Be well. ✌
I woke this morning with a sense of paranoia. Sense is just a plain old dumb word to use to try to relay what was going on when I woke. I was scared, horrified, felt the need to hide, every nerve on fire…..
This didn’t happen in conjunction with any psychosis. There were no hallucinations or loss of time…just an inner voice whispering, “Hide. Protect yourself.”
I’m doing better now, 12 hours later.
Now, I feel sad and heartbroken. I’ve scanned stuff in my mind (like if you have three consistent things that really bother and worry you if you don’t get them under control) and nothing clicked. Nothing revealed itself saying, “Yes, hi, it’s me. I’m the one that got you all worked up.” But then again, I have way more than three issues that I’ve got to keep under control at all times, so maybe I just haven’t met up with my current torturer.
I am so tired, which is not to say I’m sleepy. I wish I was sleepy and actually slept, versus curling into a ball under a blanket and feeling thankful I’m done with the day. A day of pretending I’m okay, done with keeping stress-inducers under control, helping my child who also works hard to manage his own anxiety and Bipolar Disorder. (disease!!) Knowing my mom is safe because she’s in bed sleeping, instead of up walking without all that great of balance and her pain killer-induced cognitive issues. (Yes, they are prescribed and she is medically compliant.)
Yeah, so anyway, paranoia gone, replaced by whatever this depression is. I’m going to speak to my psychiatrist at the end of October appointment and ask if he thinks medication should be reevaluated and/or dosages reconsidered.
I don’t have anything fabulous to say. Just checking in and saying hi, offering a brief update. As I’ve said before, when I began this blog, I promised I would try to write something when in each mood, and I decided photos are important because they can show visually what’s going on inside, as long as I take authentic photos. And for the purpose of this blog, I aim to be authentic.
This disease – and its malicious, pestering, kicking, screaming, violent friends – this whole gang sucks.
I want one day without it, but when I have that longing, the gang seems particularly hateful and cruel and knocks me down still further.
To the point I must lie even to myself at times.
I honestly don’t know what to say. Just checking in here on the blog. Appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Maybe that will help.
I stumbled upon this image, which is dead on.
Here’s my promise to you. Each of you. Directly. Even if you don’t know of someone with a Mental Health issue, a bullying issue, teens with severe anxiety, depression, and so much more not listed here, you will still be affected by it in some way during your lifetime.
~ Nova: Mind of a Rampage Killer (2013) currently playing on Netflix.
Nature vs Nurture, a topic.
A tough watch about a teen who was bullied and eventually shot fellow students at school, but full of interesting studies and findings, that will one day hopefully help find a solution. We cannot as a society ignore these issues. They suck, but we’ve got to do what we can.
Don’t feel you can watch? Google the subject. There are also juvenile justice issues and mental illness involved.